My Ghetto Martha's Vineyard Detox - Day 1

I'm 30, and I've never stuck to a New Year's resolution, which sucks. Through the years, I've even decided to give up something that I didn't really care that much about (i.e. chocolate or soda, neither of which I'm addicted to or even crave) just to create a fake sense of accomplishment for myself.

This year is different. I'm just a few months away from 31, and for the past several years I've felt very uncomfortable in my own skin. And it shows. Not only am I overweight, and now weigh as much as I did FULL TERM PREGO with my daughter (who is now 6 years old), it also shows in the way I carry myself, my overall self confidence, and in my married life. Because, honestly I don't know how anyone could find my sexy - I sure don't, and it makes it hard for me to be intimate. I hear all this stuff about how "30 is the new 20" and how women really "come into their own" in their 30's and just start basically kicking ass and writing names down. I don't feel any of that.

So, a few months ago, my best friend Ashley gave me a book to borrow called "21 Pounds in 21 Days - The Martha's Vineyard Detox Diet". She told me she tried it herself in the past and made it 6 days, but lost around 11 pounds that stayed off. I read the book thoroughly, and then read it again, making notes all the way. Sure, the notion of losing that much weight in such a short amount of time sounds crazy, and a little unhealthy. But the book explained things about our bodies and our digestive system that was easy to understand and really made sense to me. I realized that my body is toxic - I'm basically a walking Atom Bomb, which has made me unable to lose weight. I decided I had to do it.

For about 5 or 6 months, I took notes, and talked my husband's ear off about it, explaining the good parts (weight loss, attitude change, overall appearance change) and the bad parts (emotions spilling out with the fat, side effects called a "healing crisis"), and the cost (around at least $200.00 - and that's doing it cheap). Even though I felt really selfish for spending all this money on a silly "diet that probably won't work", I held on to the hope that this could really change not only my body, but also my self-image. He told me to go for it.

So I am. Here's the basic breakdown of my next 21 Days: Every two hours, you drink either a natural concentrated berry or vegetable drink. Three times a day, you take colon cleansing and enzyme supplements. For lunch, a cup of fresh vegetable juice - and by fresh, I mean cutting up veggies, putting them into a juicer (which I had to purchase just for this detox), then drinking the juice immediately. For dinner, 2 cups of "cleansing soup" - this is throwing any kind of veggies and spices you want into water and cooking it. Sounds good, right? Well, then you have to fish out the veggies and puree them in a blender, then dump them back into the vegetable broth water. Cleansing soup = hot mush. Along with all of this, you are supposed to use only distilled water (for everything), use only fresh ORGANIC vegetables, give yourself coffee enemas, brush your skin with a natural bristle brush before showers, take detoxing baths, sit in saunas, and get colonics (a machine that flushes poo out of you).

This is where my detox becomes "The Ghetto Martha's Vineyard Detox". Since I'm a struggling real estate agent without lots of money or time to blow on this, I've made some exceptions to the rules that will allow me to complete this without breaking the pocketbook:

* I don't use distilled water - just plain ol' tap water or whatever kind is in the water cooler at work.

* I don't use fresh, organic veggies - I'm buying regular fresh veggies, not the ones that are certified "organic". I'm also using frozen bags of veggies that I find on sale, too. ALSO, I'm shopping the back rack of "past their prime" veggies that the grocery store puts on heavy discount - they may be a little shriveled, and may have lost a little bit of their nutrients, but at a big bag for $.75, who cares?

* I have no sauna available to sit in, unless I want to sneak into a hotel and use theirs. I am not getting colonics regularly, as they are $50 a pop, not to mention that the closest colonic center is 2 hours away.

I'm not sure if this will work since I'm skimping on so many things, but that's the best I can do, and here we go.

DAY ONE - January 3, 2010

My husband, daughter and I are making the 3 1/2 hour drive back home from a late Christmas weekend at my parents' house in Iowa. I gorged myself on yummy food over the past couple of holiday weeks, and am feeling ready to finally be starting!

I put my drink powders into baggies and brought lots of bottled water with me to make my drinks in the truck. I have a bladder the size of at least Rhode Island - I normally NEVER have to pee on this road trip, or really any others for that matter. With all the water intake and my special "green" and "berry" drinks, I made Justin stop 4 times on the way home. Then, when we got to our driveway, I scrambled out of the truck before it came to a full and complete stop and screamed "I call dibs on the bathroom!" In addition to making me pee like SeaBuscuit, it's also making it really hard for me to look at restaurant billboards and convenience store pizza.

Also, the book says it's very important that you not smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol during this detox, as it could potentially make you very sick. I am a smoker. I finished my pack of cigarettes on the way home, and called it good.

I wonder how many other bloggers are out there posting their New Years' Resolution progress for the world just like me... This blog, for me, will serve as my "Detox Diary", to journal my experience and to motivate me to continue. I know one other person who is doing the same - my best friend, Ashley, has decided to do the detox with me. To get the full effect of this detox, follow her blog, too, at Journey to a Better Me.